


Take It and Burn It (Karkat x Reader Sadstuck)

by remembertheginger



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2017-12-23 16:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remembertheginger/pseuds/remembertheginger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When your best friend and flushcrush, Karkat, comes over to your house for a change, he finds your sketchbook... things aren't looking good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a summary in ages so I'm really sorry if it sucks. Not my first reader insert, but the first one I'm putting up here.

"Little bitch!"

"Fucking freakshow."

"Pathetic attention whore."

"Smartass is all she's good at being, too ugly to catch a date."

You know the gossip, hear it all too often; you've heard it enough to feel that most of it is true. And that's just at school, what with the way you're friends with a couple of trolls. That cost you every human friend you thought you had, leaving you alone most of the time. You're not the kind to interact socially with people unless they're the ones trying to get together with you; they tend to be busy, or make an excuse to avoid it. You just don't try anymore.

Luckily, you've got your arts. Your never-ending supply of books (at least the librarians don't judge you), your sketchbook that is quickly running out of pages, your notebook of stories that no one ever sees. And your singing, though that is so rare anymore, even on your own. Your family and 'friends' have stripped your self-confidence, and even on your own, you keep quiet for fear of someone telling you to shut up.

The sad part is? You used to be so extroverted. You would make conversations, show your drawings, sing whenever the hell you wanted. Now, you're just the quiet girl in the back of the class, the one doodling all the time. The one who knows the all the answers but never volunteers them. Why should people pry them out of you for free?

At least Karkat makes efforts to talk to you, even trying to get you to be less anti-social. He invites you to his hive, to ice cream, to whatever strikes his fancy--- one time he convinced you to go to a concert, which you never would have pegged him as the type to go to one, but he hasn't asked since. Probably because of the bloody lip and skinned knees you got from being accidentally elbowed and shoved to the ground.

There are times when you swear that he acts like he has a crush on you, but then he does something that wipes the question from your mind completely. Thinking that he might have a crush on you is only going to lead to your heart being broken; and yet, despite your best efforts, you are falling for him--- slowly at first, but then you find yourself drowning in the feelings, tumbling head over heels in an effort to keep up with the mixed signals he sends you. They're barely mixed, though, most of the time him showing a grumpy, platonic affection for you, and a perpetual underlying annoyance with the world in general.

The page you're using right now in your drawing notepad is covered with the words of gossip you hear often, making the fonts beautiful despite the terrible words. Little pictures come with each: at first, you look normal, hands in your sweatshirt pockets and looking straight ahead with a blank expression. Then looking down, shoulders slumped slightly as you continue your walk. After that you're sitting against a wall, glancing towards the floor and slightly to the left with your legs extended in front of you. And then there's the last one, with you hugging your knees to your chest, hair hiding the tears on your face.

Flipping to a new page, you begin to draw hands, something needing much improvement. You find yourself referencing your own hands, the pose being a broken heart.

The doorbell makes you jump, your pencil skidding across the paper as you stand quickly, racing for the door before whoever it is visiting you leaves. Your older brother is on a camping trip with your father, your mother is staying with your grandmother for the next week. You've got the house to yourself right now.

"Open up, fuckass!" A familiar, rough voice calls, the tone making you blush a little bit. He's so impatient, not that you really care. By the time you've fumbled with the locks and got the door open, the short troll is near fuming. "Jegus, what took you so long?"

"Locks," you explain, stepping aside so that he can come in. "What's so important you forgot to text beforehand?"

Karkat actually facepalms, rolling his eyes a bit. "You weren't fucking answering, (f/n). I bet it died last night and you did something stupid like forgot to charge it, didn't you?"

Your blush threatens to make a reappearance as you glance back at your room. "Um... it's a possibility..." Then you make for the kitchen, realizing you have yet to eat anything for the day, and it's already 11:30. "Make yourself at home, I need to eat. Do you want anything?"

"Troll, (f/n)," the nubby-horned guy reminds you with a short sigh. "I don't fucking eat your disgusting human food. The sooner that sticks in your clearly not-as-good-as-you-brag-thinkpan, the better, are we understood?"

"Yeah," you busy yourself with grabbing the eggs and butter out of the fridge; nothing like some scrambled eggs for breakfast/lunch/whatever the hell this is. Thankfully, you're with Karkat often enough that you don't really care where he goes. It's always been you at his hive, but hey, there's a first for everything, right?

Once the eggs are ready, you sit at the table, glancing around for your best friend. "Hey, Karkat? Where'd you go?" You call, curious what he decided to look at first.

To your slight surprise, he exits your room holding something. The surprise turns to horror and you stand immediately as you realize it's your sketchbook--- Jesus Christ, you have sketches of the two of you kissing in there! Maybe your style isn't realistic enough for him to realize it's you two. But then again, you work so hard to make people recognizable...

"Karkat," you choke out, your cheeks turning a flaming crimson red. "Give that to me now." Normally, you don't boss people around, but when they touch your personal stuff? That's when you make demands.

"I thought I told you not to let that fucking shit get to you," Karkat looks at you briefly, and you actually wince at his words. Yes, he's told you before to try and relax when people look at your stuff, but you're so on-edge you're literally shaking, only keeping from grabbing the notepad because you know for a fact that things will rip.

"Give me the fucking sketchbook, Vantas," you say softly, watching him flip forward a page to find nothing of interest and then begin to flip backwards. "This is an invasion of personal property. That thing is practically my diary, Karkat!" You rock your weight between your legs, still trembling and now trying not to cry. This was something you promised yourself you'd never let happen, having your crush discover it in a way so accidental.

"I can tell," he answers, quietly enough that you can barely hear him. Then he looks up at you, noticing the strange way you're acting, and immediately sets the sketchbook on the table, coming over to you and hugging you fiercely in one speedy movement. "It's not true, (f/n). Don't let them get you."

"Vantas, what did you even see?" Your blush can't deepen any more than it already is, thank god, because Karkat is definitely not a huggy person. Getting this from him is like the equivalent of Tavros walking.

The mutant-blooded troll looks down at you (yes, you're about an inch shorter than him), shaking his head a bit. "I saw what I know you hear at school every fucking day. And the little drawings by them. (f/n), you're not pathetic, or ugly."

A feeling in your chest, about where your heart is, rises a bit, making you feel near-weightless. "Y-you really think so?"

"Of course," Karkat smiles, brushing your hair out of your face.

Then he makes a comment that shatters everything you thought you knew. "And someday, someone out there is going to think the same way, and I promise I'll help you find them."

A gasping, breaking sound comes from you as the tears begin to fall, a noise you didn't know before now was possible to make. Pushing him away, you wrench yourself out of the embrace, running for your room and slamming the door shut before collapsing on your bed.

Karkat immediately dashes after you, demanding to know what's fucking wrong with you and why you're being this way. He's trying to help, for gog's sake, after all!

"Just let me die in peace," you scream, figuring that's better than another sob as an all-encompassing sadness overtakes you. Making no effort to stop the waterworks, you're hardly surprised when Karkat opens your door, looking at you and puzzling angrily over how to help.

"Take my sketchbook, you bastard!" The words fly from your mouth without your thinking. "Take it and look through it and burn it, I don't care anymore! It's yours!" Is this what heartbreak truly feels like? Not the dull knowledge that you will never be together, but this despair that lets you scream anything you want?

Karkat looks at you for another moment before shaking his head, exiting the room and gently closing the door behind him. You're willing to bet that he takes the sketchbook with him, but there's no way in hell you're going to check.

You've considered starving yourself before; you're already on the road to it, eating less and less as the last weeks of school are rolling by. It's not even that you're doing it for the sake of hurting yourself, it's because the food just doesn't appeal to you.

Maybe if you slim down a bit, though, people, namely Karkat, will actually find you attractive. More than you are now, at least; you're thinner than the majority of girls at your school--- also less curvy--- but that doesn't seem to help a bit.

And so you know that you will not be eating very much from now on. It's not like anyone will care anyway.


	2. Never Let Me Go

One month later, school is finally done. You don't have to see any of those assholes over the summer, you can avoid Karkat, everything can be okay.

Except that's the problem; nothing is okay. Your grades dropped and you barely passed your junior year. Your parents are now constantly disappointed in you because of this. You can't find the motivation to really do anything; and your parents have tried being kind to you, but they're fed up by now. They're bringing out the cruel words in an attempt to get you out of your room, but all it does is making you want to lay down and die. Your brother... well, he's off to college. So no help from him anymore.

And your best friend, not to mention crush, Karkat Vantas? He doesn't have a whit of interest in you. He told you he wanted to help you find someone, not realizing that it was him you wanted. Still want, really. But he's back with Terezi, someone actually pretty and of his own species. What chance do you have against someone like her?

You've been avoiding Karkat for the most part--- he took your sketchbook the day your heart broke, and your brother was kind enough to buy you a new one the day before he left for college. You have no idea what the Vantas has done with it, but you've seen him once since, a chance brush-by at the park where his gaze followed you as you firmly locked yours to the ground. Terezi could probably smell you, but if she made a comment, you didn't hear it.

Another problem you're facing is your lack of want of food. It's getting to the point where you literally have to force yourself to eat dinner with your family, and even then, you don't take much. You don't like looking in the mirror--- you never have--- but you can't help it, seeing your already-thin body dwindle to near nothing. Your ribs are easily countable, your hip bones visible no matter what position you're in, and your face is thin and haunted.

It's a Tuesday, at 1:03 exactly, when you hear the front door click open. Turning your head from your newest drawing, your eyes widen to see that it's Karkat. "How did you get in?" You demand, voice cracking and rough from lack of recent use.

He holds up the spare key, still looking handsome and wonderful as ever. "I looked until I could find this, (f/n). Keep it in a fucking easier spot to find."

You eye him dully for a moment before going back to your sketching. "If I had wanted you to find it, I'd have showed its new location to you."

Shutting the door, Karkat comes over, takes the sketchbook out of your hands, and shuts it, putting it on the table behind him before crossing his arms. "We need to talk."

"Then talk," your eyes flash a bit as you sit up straight. "I'm listening."

"First of all, I didn't burn your sketchbook," the candy-blood nods, as a sort of preliminary just-so-you-know. "If you would actually show people, you're a damn good artist. Second of all, I know why you did what you did that day," that's referring to the day you also call _that day_. It's much less painful to remember it as anything but that. "And I just want to say... I never meant to hurt you, (f/n)," the words begin to tumble out like a river. "I didn't know--- I mean, I had suspicions, but I kept thinking you would fucking prove me wrong, and then you didn't, but it was in the worst way possible, and gog, I just feel really awful. I know what it's like to have your heart break, and I never wanted to fucking do that to someone, I'm an asshat who doesn't deserve to be called your friend but maybe you can forgive me anyway?"

Taking in the speech, you think for a while, looking up at Karkat the whole time before answering, "I think so."

Karkat nods his approval, sitting beside you and making the couch plop with the added weight. "Good. In that case, the shitty number three, and also what has me the most fucking worried: you need to eat," he looks you in the eyes, yellow and gray meeting your (e/c). "(f/n), this isn't a gogdamn request. This is something that if you don't fucking do it, I will not hesitate to force-feed you. And no skipping and telling me you ate, that's bullshit and I'm not buying it. I'm going to be around you a hell of a lot fucking more to make sure you actually get food into you, are we clear?"

Nodding in reply, you don't quite know what to do next, so you just sit there for a moment before Karkat hugs you. In a way that is quite familiar from _that day_. "You're not allowed to die, okay? Not over something as stupid as me."

"Okay," you answer, closing your eyes as a blush overcomes your cheeks again. Maybe Karkat is only a friend looking out for you, but you have a small feeling that, given time, you've got a chance. As long as he holds onto you, you've got a chance.


	3. Eat Your Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for the better with you and Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello yes i am a terrible author who hardly ever updates, sorry  
> i will try to remember this time

Picking at the cake in front of you, you can feel Karkat's gaze on you as he watches you. "Just fucking eat, (f/n)," he sighs after another minute passes.

"I'm not hungry," you explain, biting your lip at the lie. Truthfully, it's more that you're so nervous that you know for a fact you wouldn't be able to hold down any food you eat.

Karkat's eyes narrow. "Don't even fucking give me that bullshit. You are going to eat that gogdamn cake, and you are going to fucking enjoy it. You're the one who ordered it, and don't tell me you only did it to make me feel better. You want the cake, you're just not letting yourself even think of eating it. Well, you know what? Fuck that. Fuck the people who give you looks. Eat your cake and fucking enjoy it. If it's a piece of shit, we'll search the entire fucking town until we find a good piece. You deserve your cake more than anyone else here at this damn restaurant, okay?"

Perhaps an explanation could be in order. Your name is (f/n) (l/n), as you well know, and you have a large crush on your best friend, Karkat Vantas. So large, in fact, that you're not sure whether it constitutes as love. It's quite out in the open, thanks to an incident that ended up breaking your heart involving your sketchbook, but Karkat has been dating Terezi Pyrope for the last month or so. It's July 3rd today, and Terezi broke up with him on June 30th, so he's clearly suffering some heartache as well.

After your heartbreak, you ended up, essentially, starving yourself. You were never hungry, so what was the point in eating? But Karkat confronted you not too long ago about that, maybe a week ago, and you're starting to look less scarily thin. You're still too thin for his liking, and he's still keeping a close eye on you, but you no longer feel an obligation to eat. Now, you actually want to.

To your great surprise and joy, Karkat agreed to go on a date with you. "Now, no promises on any fucking romantic gestures," he warned, looking at you very seriously. "But why the hell not? I'll give it a shot, can't go any worse than my first date with Pyrope..." He shivered a little bit at the memory, clearly it had gone pretty badly.

Back to now. You take a tentative bite; your eyes widen as the flavor explodes in your mouth, and a smile crosses Karkat's face as you sink back in your chair, blissfully happy. "It's been too long since I've had something this good," you sigh, swallowing the bite and going immediately for another, much larger one.

"Didn't I fucking tell you? You wanted it, (f/n). Isn't it fucking great to just let yourself enjoy it?" The trolls leans forward, taking a bite of the croissant on his plate.

A bubbly little laugh escapes your mouth as you continue to eat, slowly enough to savor the taste but quickly enough to be done with it in a mere minute or so. Karkat is finish up his pastry as well, and you take this moment to tell him something. "You know, there are children here," you scold. "You could refrain from cursing. Or at least tone it down a bit!"

Karkat raises an eyebrow at you. "When have you _ever_ known me to fucking tone down my language? Shit, I think most asshats know better than to even ask. But not you, you special little asshat," he rolls his eyes, but there's a fond smile there too. "You have the daring, and nerve, and sheer, utter stupidity to ask me to fucking tone it down. I think my level of grudging respect has increased just an inkling."

Bowing a little bit, you can't help but laugh. "That's quite a high compliment, Mister Vantas," you smile in return, crossing your arms on the small, circular table and leaning forward, closer to him. The cold metal of the outside makes you shiver, wishing you had thought to bring a jacket.

Karkat frowns, grabbing your arm and standing you up. "Come on," he begins to take you away, which is okay, because you paid before you got your food. Beginning back towards his hive, you smile at how protective he's being. He unlocks the door, literally pushing you inside; you stumble a little, causing you to trip over the shirt left out... in the middle of the living room. The mutant-blooded troll catches you before you can fall, causing a little blush to appear over both your faces as he notices where he caught you.

Placing you upright and quickly moving his hand down to your waist, Karkat says softly, "Don't speak too loudly. Kankri will fucking come out and lecture us both on the improprieties of people our age being left together without supervision. And ruin this date, basically."

You nod with a small laugh, sitting on the couch and snuggling up to him in a way you used to be so comfortable with before you realized you had a crush on him. It's quite nice, being this close to him. Karkat puts an arm around you, warming you up almost instantly, and you ask, "What about a movie?"

"Sure," he nods, pulling himself away from you to go grab one. "I'll put in one of the ones I haven't seen yet-- that way, I can't fucking spoil anything."

"Awesome!" You grin, waiting until he comes back and then cuddling with him again. If you had the guts to look up and see his expression, you would see a mix of grumpy amusement, happiness, and the faintest blush on his cheeks. All you can guess, though, is the grumpy bit.

Your first date with Karkat Vantas, and it is going so much better than you ever could have hoped.


	4. Some Special Asshat

 

**Reader: == > Be Karkat.**

 

"Fuck off," you growl, voice laced with hatred. "Just get the fuck away from me, you gogdamn freak."

 

Her eyes widen, pain immediately taking the place of worry. "K-Karkat, w-what...?"

 

"You heard me!" You shout, slamming your hand flat against the wall as you stand. "Or do your shitty oral artifices need cleaning? Get the fuck out of my hive! You're so fucking clingy, gog! Constantly needing your insecurities reassured, Jegus fucking Christ, is it so hard to have a bit of self-confidence? Oh, wait, that's right--- you think because all your quadrants have fallen apart, you're entitled to this fucking depression. Well, news flash, nooksucker! People have it worse than you!"

 

Everything about her was tense until that moment. Now, she just looks broken. "Thanks for the reminder, Karkat," she says softly, refusing to meet your eyes and instead keeping her (e/c) orbs locked on the carpet of your respiteblock floor. "Sure. I'll leave." She slowly makes her way to the door, not looking back until she pulls it open to finally meet your eyes. All she sees is the loathing that is entirely consuming you, and that's what causes her to leave entirely, gently closing the wooden barrier with a little click that makes you sit on your bed. (You don't want to take a nap right now, otherwise you'd have gone to your recuperacoon. You want to wallow in your all-encompassing hate.)

 

Putting your face in your hands, you rake your sharp fingernails down your cheeks, hard enough to sting but not hard enough to draw blood. "Karkat, you fucking idiot," you groan to yourself, hating everything about you. "That was the worst thing you ever could have done."

 

Yes, the hate that she saw? It was directed at yourself. All day, all you've been able to see is how flawed, how awful you are, and it's kept you from visiting (f/n) like you would normally. Which is, of course, why she went to check on you, wanting to make sure you were alright.

 

And of course, you weren't. You aren't. But it's not in your nature to admit weakness, you're so much more likely to lash out at whoever's nearby, projecting everything you feel towards yourself in the format of yelling at them. Most people know better than to take it personally, and maybe (f/n) used to, but anymore? She probably believes everything you just said to her.

 

Standing, you yank open the door. Maybe it's not too late. As you race out of your hive, all you can do is hope she hasn't done anything too drastic.

 

***

 

**Karkat: == > Be the reader.**

 

It had been going so well up until that night. Exactly a month of nice little dates. You almost were thinking that he might ask you to be his matesprit; even though the most romantic gesture he's given you so far is an arm around the shoulder during a romcom, you thought he enjoyed your company pretty well.

 

Clearly, though, that's not the case. Not with everything he just screamed at you, with the way he apparently barely tolerates you and can't seem to do so anymore. Everything about you hurts--- and this is no normal pain, this is an agony that should be more than paralyzing, and yet it's empowering you to do that you've never had the courage to do before. It will be so easy to just throw it all away; all you need to do is write a note.

 

The ink flows onto the paper easily; you end up deciding to write three. One for Karkat, one for your brother, one for your mom and dad. You're finished with Karkat's and halfway through your sibling's when the loudest yanking of the door open you have ever heard greets your ears, along with a shout of "(f/n)!"

 

Tears you have been able to stave off until now begin to flow at the familiar, rough voice, and the pen drops out of your hand as you sob, unable to keep a grip on anything. Then Karkat is bursting into your room, hugging you fiercely, and you bury your head in his chest as you let everything go. You know how ugly you look, and it should make a difference to you, but at this point, it doesn't.

 

The candy-blooded trolls is whispering words to you, words you don't understand for a long while, as he leans his head on top of yours. It's not until you feel your hair wet that you realize that he's crying too. And then the phrase clicks. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

 

**Reader: == > Be Karkat.**

 

That's not going to work, Karkat is in far too much emotional turmoil for him to even think of allowing you to be him. Besides, you're not in much of a better state. Perhaps it's good for both of you to continue being who you are.

 

"(f/n), please believe me, dammit, none of that was meant for you," the troll pleads. "You're fucking beautiful, gogdammit, and you're so strong--- stronger than anyone else I know. And I know you're going to think I'm lying, or just saying this to make you feel better, but... what the hell, I've got nothing else." He lifts your head, wiping the tears from your face before quickly brushing away the slightly reddish liquid on his own. "This is the last night you'll spend alone, (f/n)." And at that, he leans down a little to kiss you, warm lips rough and chapped and much gentler than you thought they would be.

 

When Karkat draws away slightly, his look at you is one still of worry. "I won't fucking let you say goodbye, okay? I've been confused for so long about how the fuck I feel about you, but I think I've finally got it figured out." A long sigh escapes his lips, and you just lean your head against him. Having Karkat isn't going to get rid of the fact that you have no friends besides him, or completely cure you of your depression, but it will help, you have no doubt.

 

"Karkat... when you said none of that was meant for me... who...?" You ask hesitantly, noticing him stiffen.

 

"I was talking abut myself, (f/n)," he says bitterly. "Believe me, I know I'm a selfish asshat and I don't deserve you. Truthfully, I probably don't deserve anyone. But you seem to think I'm some special asshat who's worth your affections, and you had better gogdamn believe I'm selfish enough to keep you to myself."

 

This little speech makes you smile a bit, burying your face in his turtleneck again, but this time just to smell him. "Alright, Karkat," you murmur, closing your eyes and letting all of your weight rest against him. "Stay with me tonight, please."

 

"What else would I do?" He asks, gazing down at you fondly, but you're already fast asleep.


	5. Chasing Cars

Karkat Vantas and (f/n) (l/n)--- you--- are eighteen years old. About nine sweeps. You're seniors, merely weeks from graduating high school, and matesprits of a little less than a year. You're so proud of yourself, not only for overcoming your depression (of course, with the help of some medicines after your parents finally had you professionally diagnosed), but for making it this far, doing this well after your wreck of a junior year.

Yes, both of you are seniors, but neither of you can drive. Trolls still have a while to go before they'll be allowed to get drivers' licenses, and you rely on your friends for rides to places you can't just walk. That's right, friends! Not only did Karkat introduce you to some of his troll friends, (and some humans he knew too!), you've actually been able to make some yourself, with the new kids who, just like you, previously had no one to sit with.

You and your matesprit are on a date right now, at the ice cream parlor he sometimes used to make you come to before you were dating. His attempt to get you to be social, you remember fondly, as you lick the drips from his cone and laugh a little. Karkat, the attentive to everything but the things that belong to himself. If it weren't for Kankri, you're sure he would have burned down his hive long ago in some attempt at cooking.

Soon enough, you decide to head to the free concert you know is going on a couple of blocks from the shop. Taking your ice creams, you check the busy street before beginning to cross. He twines his hand in yours, and you go to lick at his ice cream again with a little smirk.

You barely have time to see the black Chevy trying to halt before it slams into Karkat, and then you, and then everything goes red in an instant.

***

Opening your eyes, it doesn't even take a second before everything comes back to you. Karkat. The ice cream. The car. And the fact that you are, indeed, dead.

Your fingers are still tangled up with Karkat's, and you gently pull his hand out of yours just as he bolts upright, staring at you with wide eyes. "(f/n)," his face becomes one of relief, then confusion. "We... we died, didn't we?" He looks around, trying to process things. "Do we get a dream bubble?"

Actually, you haven't taken the time to look around yet. The black is fading into scenery, and there are the friends Karkat could only talk about--- the ones who died in the game, the ones who never had the chance to make it to Earth. You can recognize a few from his apt descriptions--- Sollux Captor with a Gemini shirt and mismatching eyepatches, Aradia Megido with a ram's horns and her bright red outfit and wings. One of the many dead Daves you've heard about from the alpha Dave himself.

You're going to miss your family and friends. You wish you didn't have to leave them like this. But with all this, the new people to meet, with the sparkle in Karkat's eyes that says just how happy he is right now?

Death feels like more of an old friend than anything else.


End file.
